Life’s A Dance

While I was taking my walk today, my Pandora kept me guessing with everything from Michael Jackson to Pink to Christian Rap and then a country song, that I had never heard before came on and it just blew me away! “Life’s a Dance” by John Michael Montgomery was the title and in the song he says that life is a dance and sometimes we lead and sometimes we follow.  The rest of the lyrics are really great, you should check it out, but I really couldn’t help but stay focused on that one line.

Recently, my life has been somewhat of a roller coaster, a dance, if you will.  Not necessarily because of any specific major events, good or bad, but really because of my inner voice and where it’s taking me.
I wrapped up the first session with my women’s ministry last week and now I feel a void of some kind in the pit of my stomach as though I didn’t really finish what I started.  I am pretty convinced that this group of women is not finished growing and God is definitely nudging me and telling me that He’s not through with us yet either.  So, I sit and pray and wonder what I’m supposed to do with that information.  I’m waiting for answers…I’m waiting to follow after I have already started to lead.  It leaves me in a state of confusion and doubt and honestly, it really frightens me.  I think, “what did I get myself in to here?” Sometimes I even follow my thoughts to the point of giving up on the ministry all together.  I visualize myself just washing my hands of it and saying my work here is done and God can work with these ladies and watch the magic unfold.  This leads me to this song…Life is a dance and sometimes we lead and sometimes we follow.  I believe I may need to pay very close attention to what that means for me in my women’s ministry and in all other areas of my life.  My marriage, my children, my friendships all need a little bit of both but I am realizing that I do not get to choose which one I will do and when. Am I supposed to lead or follow?
When I begin to doubt myself and try to take over what I think is the right way to go, I am choosing to lead myself down whichever path I think is best for ME.  I am not following the Lord and what He is calling me to do.  He is the lead in this dance of my life and sometimes I find myself battling Him for that role.

I feel the same with other occurrences in my life as well.  The trust and confidence that I sometimes lack with my husband because of his travel, leads me to insecurity and uncertainty.  The fear that I have for my kids, social media, the opposite sex and the decisions they are making, ties me in knots at times.  Wanting to please my friends and family members and convince them to love every part of me and believe in me even though sometimes they challenge me and question my intentions. This leaves me feeling lonely and sad.

Situations happen every day, all around me and I try to take control of these issues, even if they’re not necessarily mine to control.  I want to “fix” the problem, make it better and make sure that my conscience is clean and I can walk away from every scenario smelling like a rose and like what I did was best for everyone involved.  I am trying to lead everyone around me to peace and sometimes I follow all of these happenings straight into more turmoil.  I guess what I’m saying is that I try to take control and make peace for others (like I have all the answers…HA!) and in every situation, I sometimes cause more confusion or I get so caught up in it in my own mind that it begins to  monopolize my entire thought process.  The drama, in these cases, is the leader and I am the follower. As I dig a little deeper, I now know that this is the evil one trying to control my mind.
I sometimes let this take over so much that it’s all I can think about and I get consumed by what I should have done or what I should have said to someone.  How could I have led the conversation or situation to the outcome that I wanted it for it?  I sometimes take my good intentions and try to tell others what they should say or not say to another person so that a problem can be resolved and when they don’t say or do it the way I suggest, I react as if they have betrayed me and I get irritated.  It starts to push people away from me and backfires.
It leads me away from peace in my life and takes me to an unhappy place that makes me question everything that I’m trying to do.
Proverbs 19:3 “The foolishness of man ruins his own way, And his heart rages against the Lord.”

It’s funny…usually when I blog, I try to use my life experiences to help others get through something going on in their life.  I want others to see how my stories might relate to them and I try to give positive tools to help others gain peace in their circumstances. But today is more like a confessional and a breakthrough for me.  Literally, as I type each sentence I am learning something new about myself and it is extremely cathartic to be so raw about my shortcomings in this area.

I am realizing that the more that I dance through this amazing, event filled life, I need to follow God every step of the way.  I need to stop blocking him out of my mind when He tells me to keep going on with the ministry and accept the changes He has in store for it or when he tells me not to try to control the outcome of an argument between two friends, or when he tells me to let my kids fall down and He will be the one to help them get back up.  And I need to LEAD when He tells me to lead, not when I want to.  He wants me to lead others to Him by example and sharing His word, not by controlling the outcome of every event.
I think a lot of us do this and we get addicted to the worry, the anxiety and the fear of what might happen if we just follow Him instead of trying to lead every issue down the exact path that we want it to go on.  We don’t want to let go of this addiction of control because we are so afraid that if we just release it and follow Him then we may not like what we’re going to get or even what someone else is going to get.
 I want to learn to let go and let God take the lead in my life’s dance and I pray that I can begin to truly follow Him without stumbling and stepping on too many toes.

I started this blog yesterday and I am re-visiting it today after so much more contemplation and prayer.  Throughout my day and night yesterday, I consciously took every situation that I wanted to take the lead on and I released it.  I looked up to the sky and just heard the Lord saying, “Jen, can I have this dance?  I’ll lead and you follow.”  It was the most peaceful feeling in the world and I’m so glad I allowed Him to graciously step in!